


Deep in My Madness (Still Searching For You)

by LostInQueue



Category: Logan Lucky (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment, Accidents, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Ben and Rey are married to two different people, Ben smokes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual HEA, F/M, Fluff, Found Family, Husband ready to defend, Memories, No infidelities, Not Your Typical Love Story, Pairings are there for dating, Rey has a connection with Ben, Rey remembers dating, Soulmates, Strong Rey, The Bond, Therapy, asking for help, coming to terms with tough subjects, having a connection can mean more than being together, light talk about abuse, not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23208406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInQueue/pseuds/LostInQueue
Summary: Rey needs help.She notices that she's breaking down and seeks professional help to work through her emotional turmoil. The idea of therapy stings her though and makes it hard to feel comfortable to try, and yet, she makes it to her first appointment.Matt, Ben and Kylo are therapists who all practice together at RSR (Ren | Solo | Radar) and have been for years. Their skills significantly differ and Ben finds himself having to listen to Rey's story, while posing as Matt. He thinks it will protect him from speaking to her directly while seeking out the closure he so desperately needs.
Relationships: Kira/Ben Solo, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, rey/clyde logan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Realizing the Need

[ ](https://ibb.co/2kSp0zf)

Every morning she woke in a sea of memories, ones that followed her, shaped her… kept her self awareness high. 

Every day she had to stamp them down. 

It didn’t seem right or fair, and yet her mind pulled her back, recycling her past regrets into a constant reminder of what she lost and could never regain.

After days of mood swings and horrendous outbursts, Rey found herself in a fit of tears ready to turn this nightmare around with therapy since her go to, “that was then and this is now,” mantra began failing her.

Who was she kidding? It’d been failing her for years and still she’d hang on for a chance to rectify her wrongs and each time there’d been a reason not to. Not great reasons, but reasons nonetheless… and now I’m the hold her subconscious has captured her refusing to let go, now it was time to talk it out. Maybe someone could help her see past the pain, past her suffering to get back to her new normal. Or at least the one she remembers slinging over her arm in hopes of holding on to some of her current state.

Was any of this true? Her mind had been so vivid, locked in a time she wished she understood.

That day Rey called for a referral to see a therapist near her home. It made more sense to be close in the event that she’d have to go a lot - especially dealing with this… not to mention how her healthcare handled mental health. She had a good enough plan to use it and had been told to on more than one occasion. 

It was just time. 

Rey held the phone in her hand afterward, exhaling as if it were the hardest thing she’d ever done. It was though, wasn’t it? Asking for help? She’d been through enough without it. Not only without it but without it possibly being an option to her… and now that it was, something about it scared her. 

Several moments had gone by while she still clutched the phone tightly in her hands. What was she going to do? Was she going to go through with it? Could she? Her nerves caught up with her, shaking her hands violently enough to drop the thing. She could call them back, couldn't she? She could call and cancel. She could stop it - deal with herself, deal with her memories. She could handle it. Chanel that person she’d been. The one that had been imbalanced, afraid of herself, her flaws...of others… She could channel that person again. The one that lined up to fight for her in her hardest times. 

Rey reasoned with the thought of it though landing on a clear reminder of who she was with that part of her by her side. At best she wasn't someone she knew. Sure, Rey was physically herself but imperfect to the t. It was fair to say her fight or flight mentality had been the most damning, ripping her from true realities and shoving her into confrontations that woke her from spells of ego driven power, none of which spoke to her known self. 

She shudders as the memories float into her mind. 

No.

There had been too many times, too many situations where she felt herself being ripped from the moment, where she couldn't allow herself the happiness she deserved even though it was right there in front of her. 

She had to go to this, she nodded at herself with finality and made her way to get ready for the inevitable. 

. . . 

Pulling up to the tall unassuming brick building popped a new pocket of anxiety for her. There were answers here. Answers she longed for… a way to move past what she’d been feeling, if she could only set it all free. 

She made her way around towards the back as the receptionist had mentioned only to find limited parking but had been thankful to find a spot for her clunky old Buick. If she had to she was more than alright with pulling up onto the lawn but stamped those thoughts down along with her building attitude problem, snipping out comments left and right about the setup they had there.

“This. This is what I’m here to eradicate,” she mouthed to herself. “I’m not me when I’m on the attack…” 

Rey looked over at the monogram looking designed logo for RSR, the group she was supposed to see and wondered what it stood for. All the other offices were single physicians or shrinks showing a last name or something to its partnership that added names just below it but RSR hadn’t had that.It was worrisome in that regard, not knowing either how to say someone’s name or having to struggle with both her flighty response system while trying to move forward with this person who she was paying to care. 

She did not need that. 

Whoever they were, were going to be paid well, so to Rey she needed to prepare herself to accept the help, no matter how hard it was. 

Passing it was her first step to freedom. Her next ones were mapped out for her too. Get to the door, open it and let it close behind her. Check! Next it was to get to the elevator and make her way up to the third floor as advised. Once completed, she mentally repeated, “check!” Her moves continued as baby steps until she found herself next in line to sit and wait for her hour long appointment with whomever was going to walk out and introduce themselves.

The wait itself was just like any other minus the distractions of coughing or bellyaching, but certainly came with people from all walks of life. She found it both relieving and terrifying that a child would need this sort of guidance but did her best to deal with it quietly. Her thoughts drifted back to possibilities of having this level of care when she was a child, would things be different? Would she have been capable to claim what was hers without breaking down so easily? Could it have given her the clarity she felt she always needed? Or would it have been like every other person that claimed to want to know her just to promise they did one day? 

She found herself getting down deeper than she would have liked, out there in the open, and stamped those feelings down too. It was a move of desperation. One she wouldn't have done if she could have talked her way back out of it… but she was in too deep. There was just no other way.

In the middle of her desperation to stop this, she heard a doorknob behind her click open, then clearing of a throat behind it which made her freeze. 

. . .

RSR Therapy group was run by Kylo, Ben and Matt, all who decided that it would be most comprehensive to use the initials of their last names in a logo instead of writing out their names. It was clean and clear, and could be set in a sign outside the building, on all of their paperwork, website, complementary pens and stress balls too. Just like their partnership, the three of them were organized people, all orchestrating their professionalism based on what each of them could personally take. Kylo found himself taking cases of domestic violence and those suffering from anger management situations, where Ben took on a wide range of self doubt and insecurities across the board but worked mainly with children, while Matt took on cases that mainly had to do with work related discrepancies, injuries and lead research for situations that focused their need of lawyer intervention. 

To the guys, they looked at people as the future, as people that would be relied on and not having them meant not having food put on the table. These folks were individuals that worked the land. They were necessary for their town’s wellbeing and they simply had a duty to help them feel heard. 

Battling life alone came in many shades for each of them. Matt had anxiety issues while he was a kid and still relied heavily on his cousins Kylo and Ben to help him out if his workload became far too technical. It was hard for him to slow his mind down, to find that even state so that he could pursue what he needed to in any given moment. He’d oftentimes latch onto an issue that wasn’t the main objective which furthered the need to help those within that specific field. He wanted to be that voice for those who he could relate to, and over the years he’d gotten there. 

Kylo had a mission. He was driven. Had it down to a science and finished at the highest honors of his class. The man just knew his craft and processed obstacles in a way that most didn’t and it showed. His certainty about how anger could be used as a tool to overcome life’s problems helped him along, giving him the idea to start this thing in the first place was a gamble. He needed someone with a smooth edge, someone like his brother, Ben. 

Not long after their father died, Kylo faltered within the solo family. His views on what had happened, his desire for justice, for proof of wrongdoings had all come up short, shoving him further from the comforted circle he once believed was his own family. It hadn’t been true though. He’d been going through some things then and had trouble seeing the forest past the trees. The Solo name wasn’t only a name, it was a way of life. Kylo’s anger could only jettison him out so far before it hurtled him back to the core that was within him. 

It took Ben and his patience to reach his brother, just as it took Ben and his realism to shape the partnership so that it looked like three professionals were looking out for the public instead of three boys in a club. Ben Solo was the glue that held the men together but he’d tell anyone listening that they all had roles to play in this. But that was just Ben. He was patient, loving and kind. His heart usually laid out on his sleeve for all to see. His smile was genuine and when he’d pay attention, he’d give all of himself to do it. Ben had been known to be a good listener, to be able to react nearly perfectly because of it, and Kylo found himself beginning to bend towards his brother’s style here and there. 

Today however, Kylo had been out, his first day off in months, leaving Ben and Matt to hold down the office. Matt had been just finishing his notes from his previous session when he heard Ben pop open his door. 

“Close that,” he murmured. 

“Hmm?” Ben asked, whirling around suddenly then following the instruction afterwards. 

“Your new patient is out there,” he nodded at the door. 

“And?” Ben raised his eyebrow at his cousin. 

“Don’t you think you should read up on her before you introduce yourself?”

“Now why would I do that?” Ben asked, rolling his eyes in the process. It was his firm belief that he should meet someone naturally. Not on paper, despite the forms that had to have been filled out prior to their visit. 

“Suit yourself,” Matt replied, and flipped through several more pages before grabbing another stack. 

Matt’s cases had always been far more labor intensive that Ben’s or Kylos, well Ben’s mostly. Kylo’s could come with strings leaving him ready to pay for Matt’s services to take care of his own and today’s was no different. The man looked like he was swimming in paperwork, enough so that Ben felt bad for his cousin. 

“Suit myself?” Ben frowned looking just past the now cracked opening between the door and it’s frame. 

His first scan revealed nothing, just where they hung the magazines and placed the hand sanitizer at the receptionist’s desk. His eyes roved over the room once more, catching the profile of a girl he was once madly in love with making his heart beat harder, faster than it had in years. 

“I-I,” Ben started to whine. 

“Nope.” 

“I didn’t say…”

“You were going to,” Matt tisked. 

“Please?” Ben blinked back his frustration at the conversation they didn’t have to have but still were. 

“Do you not see this?” Matt waved his hands around his desk. “This is going to take me into next week!” 

Ben cupped his hand over his mouth trying to decide on what to do. In all the times that he thought he could deal with talking to her again, he never thought he’d be taking on such a personal role with her. Did she know? 

How was he going to do this? 

His mind buzzed through his possibilities. It was unlike their practice to shun anyone away, and while he truly didn't think he could manage with her through an hour of paid professionalism, there had to be another way. He looked down first at his feet, then to the ring on his hand, thumbing it around his finger. In an instant he was thrown into the past, eighteen years ago to be exact. He could picture the first time he’d seen her face, the way she looked back at him like she’d seen him and only him. When their eyes connected and her smile spread widely across her face, Ben felt as though he could have sworn he’d met an angel. His thoughts raced past him in an ever flowing current, throwing memories of things they’d done together, what she’d said, things he’d questioned, answers he’d never received… being pushed away, further and further until he finally felt as though they truly had nothing. All the pain he’d felt in those years that had past spiked through him in a matter of seconds and it was just entirely too much. 

Ben did his best to try to breathe, to try to calm himself. He knew the clock was ticking and that he would need to make a move before she started to worry. That was the last thing he needed. Especially if Rey was still herself. She was known to push forward. She was known for her ability to keep going, no matter the mission. Ben frowned wondering why he wasn’t her mission, and deeper still when he’d realized she’d served. She said, in her sad voice, not one of pride, but almost as a lost soul that it was all she thought she was capable of. There was never any indication of what her family life was like, nothing that would suggest she was dying inside, but the way she said it that night, that she was going to enlist made his heart heavy. 

Ben wondered if it was an invitation to do better things, to follow her… but deep down he knew she was saying goodbye. 

There were so many times though, so many he tried to reach out in and each time she walked away. Was he supposed to chase her? Ben couldn't be sure. It didn't seem like she wanted to be. Her demeanor kept changing. She’d be surprised to see him, happy even. She’d let it slip that she missed him but would school her features like she was controlling herself. It hurt that she’d do it and couldn't understand why. Ben truly believed that they had something worth fighting for and each time she’d - well she’d stop them before they had a chance. 

Ben looked back around the room they were in, his cousin’s reflection stood in the epoxy resin canvas Kylo’s buddy made for the room. It showed both turbulent and calming seas which was well, exactly how Ben was feeling now. 

Think, Ben, he whispered to himself. 

Think. 

His eyes landed on Matt again, on his features and how similar they looked. His mind drifted off to the many, many times he and Kylo had gotten away with confusing their teachers until Matt started bleaching his hair… 

His hair! That was it. That was how he was going to handle this. All he had to do was bleach… no.. there was no way, he thought to himself. His hair was just too dark and he could think of everyone in his life hating the idea of him trying to be like Matt just to avoid a patient. 

That wouldn't do. 

His brow furrowed yet again trying to come up with a quick alternative, but Matt was quicker. 

“If you’re really going to go undercover to handle this,” Matt began, “at least let me help you.”

Ben covered his face with his hands then dragged them down his face, adding, “I thought you didn't have time.”

“Oh, I don't. But it doesn't mean I’m going to let my cousin flounder around his lost love,” Matt put down his highlighter, then backed up from his desk to stand. “Come on,” he said. “Time to find a wig and my old frames.”

It only made him a little less anxious knowing that they would be taking from the prop bin to handle this situation here, but it was something and right then. Ben needed anything he could get his hands on to get through this next hour and this was it. 

“How do I look?” his question snuck out of him before he could hold it back. 

“Stupid, honestly,” Matt chuckled. 

“This was your idea, and I am trying to look like you,” Ben pushed. 

“Hmm…” Matt grinned even wider. “If you were going for me you'd bleach your hair and cut it so your ears showed a little. No, no. This is you wearing a Barbie wig and hoping you pass as me. Which,” he pauses to clean his old glasses, “I would be surprised if you last ten seconds in there as me.”

Ben snorted. 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence…”

“Anytime. And remember, this hour? It’s about her. Not you.”


	2. Trouble Letting Go

Matt was always good at reminding Ben what wasn’t his. He did it nearly every day. Whether it was about  _ his _ lunch,  _ his _ parking spot,  _ his _ desk items, which Ben regularly stayed away from due to his work. 

If Kylo touched it, Ben rolled his eyes... it was still  _ his _ fault...

Ugh. 

“ _ This isn’t for you _ …” Matt’s words came back to haunt him while he resisted the urge to run his fingers through the wig. It was his tick. Well the one that he could do indoors at least. If he wasn’t picking through a pack of cigarettes on the balcony just outside his office, screwing with his hair was his next go to response for stress. 

Stress, he snorted. He was  _ supposed  _ to be helping other people through their problems and here he was a few steps away from falling into his past, still afraid of a girl and her opinion. 

“... _it’s for her,”_ Matt’s message circled around again, pushing him further out the door. 

The trouble was that in every step forward, he felt as though he was being let down again. It wasn't fair. Why didn't she pick him? Why? He’d been so good to her in his quiet kind of way. Ben most certainly was many shades of himself with her but certainly tried leaning towards the happier side trying to keep her smiling because when she smiled it lit up his heart in a way he couldnt quite describe. There was a pull to her he found himself dying to live within. It made him feel so alive… the air was crisper, the sun shined brighter, but when she’d get close she’d stop as if she was being controlled by something. Was it him? Did she not feel the same? 

Rey was always happy to see him. That one morning when she jumped in his arms so suddenly, wrapping her legs around him like she was naturally allowed that space warmed him in such an exciting way. She’d hugged him tightly telling him she missed him back then and was almost positive that he hadn’t an idea how he responded, but wanted to keep her there. Just like that it was over. His hand on the cold metal knob pulled him right back to the inside of Matt’s office. An inhale later, he’d pushed through the door and onward to collect his patient. 

“Rey?” Ben asked on a shaky breath.    
  
What if she noticed him through this terrible get up? What if she knew? Would she call him out? Would she look at him like she did all those times ago, lower her head and walk away? His heart stung each time his memory flung him through it, hoping that she wouldn't. That she’d just stay. 

“That’s me,” Rey whispered, her eyes looked everywhere but at him. Down mostly. The weight of it damn near broke his heart. 

What happened to her?

“Are you alright, R-Miss?” Ben corrected himself, holding out his hand to her. 

Her response had only been a sigh, a breath of an answer with her trying to hide her pain then.

Ben swallowed then moved out of the way to let her in past Matt’s office and down the hall to his noting to himself how she held herself. She looked as though she was broken. That the life inside of her was being drained. Something had been bothering her for some time now, that much was obvious and all he could remind himself of was that he wasn't hers. She hadn’t picked him… and how hard it was to resist circling his arms around her to help her feel better. He wanted to give her the life back that she’d given him all that time ago, but here he was, posing as his cousin to battle his own demons in this past relationship. 

“C-can I get you anything?” Ben asked. “A water?”

Her head shake hadn’t been similar to the others he’d been accustomed to getting either making him wonder if it was over a man. So help him he’d destroy that fucker, he swore under his breath, clenching his fists as he went, only to feel the bite of his wedding band tear into his finger as he did. 

He… no… he couldnt do anything specifically about this. Not any more. He’d remembered the vows he made to his partner, the one that got him. She was his everything. The one that could look into his eyes and give him all he needed --all that Rey couldnt give. Ben swallowed knowing that was most of the reason he’d given up waiting. She’d pushed him away at nearly every chance she’d gotten and now even here she wouldnt allow anything as simple as a water to be given. If he had to offer her the oxygen in the room, would she just take the damn air or would she promise she was okay and fall to the ground instead of letting him help her? Alright, that last one was drastic, but, come on! 

Was it him? 

He returned to his thoughts while he escorted her in, babbling about not yet reading her file, or rather the notes that she’d expressed in the paperwork she’d just given in while he shut his door to the waiting room and the rest of the world. Rey was now in his space. While he had the biggest office in the building, with a balcony just behind the long stretch of space behind his desk and meeting area, it all magically felt far too small a place with her there. Even as she was, she was sucking the energy out of the room, and for a moment it had become hard to breathe. 

Ben found himself itching just behind his ear to combat his need to run his fingers through his hair, and Maker if that isn't an embarrassing thing to do now, he sighs, but she makes no effort to move. Instead she looks like she’s waiting for a direction. 

“Why don't you make yourself comfortable. Any of the chairs will do. And when you’re ready, we can start,” he offered. 

It was slight but he watched her nod then pick a place to sit down. Well then, he blinked back the urge to take it as more than that, calming his inner attitude that claimed she’d never be able to take anything from him willingly. 

She took a few moments to herself, waiting… but for what? To his surprise, she didnt move. Kept her mouth closed, didnt speak, not until spoken to, which was another hard pill to swallow. 

What happened to her?

Ben made his way behind his mahogany desk, both thankful and regretful of it’s size and the space it put between them… but she needed to feel like this was going, that it was time for her to speak, and if this was how she knew then he would do it. 

“Whenever you’re ready, Rey,” he said carefully. 

The moments in silence were long to begin with. They usually are. He knew from experience that it wasn't always easy to push out his, no matter how much he loved what he was doing, or who he was with. Ben always had that certain quietness to him where he could relate to his patients and knew not to push them. 

Rey, however, made a choking sound while she revealed why she decided to come, which made him worry. 

“I think I’m on the brink of madness,” she gasped. 

. . . 

It wasn't like her to say anything of the sort. Rey knew herself. She knew her strengths, went toe to toe with her weaknesses, overcoming them until she couldn't recognize them anymore. She’d become a soldier, holding what she thought was a greater purpose than the one she was born for. She wasn't allowed a life. Not one where she could sit back and relax. Not one where someone else would willingly lay their lives on the line for what she’d been caught up between. Rey wouldn't allow that type of sacrifice, and her life was all about them. So when those words left her lips, she couldn't help but feel as though she’d stabbed herself in the back.

Madness was right. 

What had done it? 

Was she always this broken? 

Was she running from it this whole time? 

The moment her lungs refilled with air she’d struggled to stay seated. It was a war of wills, truly. Her eyes caught the age of her hands and how long it had been, how much time she let slip by while she’d been on her missions. The only one that ever truly mattered had taken her lifetime to correct, and even then she wasn't sure how long this triumph would last. Rey was certain it might never, but a battle won was a battle won. 

She heard him, her shrink fold then unfold his arms despite not being able to look him in the eye, then a slip of his tongue softly added, “Can you elaborate on that?”

She didn't want to. 

Not really. 

It was easier to beat down her memories, focus on the flaws, tell herself it was fine, that the past was in the past… but the more she studied lost time in the wrinkles of her knuckles, she knew there was only one path left. Cool air touched her parted lips which reminded her to speak.

“I got what I wanted…” she whispered, her eyes flicking up past her fingers towards the coffee table in front of her but then they fell again, back to her as if she was battling with whether or not it was alright to look up at him. 

It was a silly concept given this was someone she was paying for help but still she sat helpless to her own emotions, and down they dropped, this time into her lap. 

“It took me… my entire life, but I got it. They’re here and finally trying,” she choked on her words again. 

“Who?” she heard him ask.

Another tear rolled silently down her cheek before she answered, “My parents.”

. . . 

This wasn't something Ben expected to hear from her. In her silence he remembered a girl who was always talking. She was always bringing up some wild adventure, some would say weren’t either age appropriate, or even around their town. She would have had to go somewhere to do it and most of her stories sounded like wishes more than realistic if he remembered correctly. 

Who was he kidding? He remembered everything she said. It was as if it was his mission in life to really know the people he kept in his life, and Rey? Rey was a woman he wanted - needed there. He needed her, he swallowed at the thought of his boyhood desires. 

Rey was always going on about how she was enjoying life, bringing up another group of people that mattered to her and the adventures they had. Oftentimes he wondered if any of it was true. Some of which seemed to be too good to be like the time she said she’d gone sky surfing, he snorted at the thought of her strapped up like that, the amount of equipment on her thing frame made him wonder, and yet she said she’d gone a couple times, and never without an instructor. She would refer to someone as her buddy who knew how to do whatever it was and assure him she’d love to take him sometime. The same went for her knowledge of cars and love for older models, how she worked for some importing and exporting group, and in the city for some sort of marketing company. She seemed to be everywhere and nowhere like a dream and wondered upon countless hours of his day since the moment he’d laid eyes on her if she was just that. 

He remembers how young they were, rationalizing that she just simply couldn't have done all of what she said she did and more. None of it added up, and while he wanted information on that, all he could do was breathe and hope information gushed out of her like it once did. 

Instead he’s left waiting for more. 

“What about your parents?” he asked. 

Again she’s silent, her eyes working back and forth like shes looking for something for moments before they stop and stare. She gives her answer evenly, “I’ve done everything for them. Given them all of me. Lost nearly everyone I cared about to reach them, to heal them…It’s been thirty five years and I’ve finally reached them.”

Ben, who knew family to be a welcoming place, couldnt quite wrap his mind around why that was important. Clearly if she had the life she claimed she did, she would also already have a good relationship with her family like he did, wouldnt she?

He found himself schooling his expression to ask why it was so important to her. The question wasn’t frilly or satisfiable for the line of work he was in and yet it came out, accompanied instantly with her eyes that flicked right up to his. 

Her response is calculated and he isnt sure if he should feel threatened but does, “I take it you have no idea what it’s like to be born to teen parents, blamed for every last problem they faced.”   
  
Ben swallowed as her words cracked the armor around his heart.

“You look like a man,” she started, and just in that moment he felt her gaze pull off him to focus on a place just past his shoulder, as if she was trying to control her own anger. 

This was most certainly held in for far too long.

“...that has a family that loves him. Who hasnt had to reinvent himself for the possible prospect of love over and over again only to have it taken away. I’ve lost, I’ve lost so much of me, of who I’ve loved, and I see all that time. So much time I’ve wasted trying to keep something that was never mine.”

What?

Did she just refer to loving someone and walking away? Was it him she loved? 

His fingers seemed to shrink in the cool room making his wedding band clank heavily against his desk, then onto his keyboard when he went to look at the time. Of course they just started, but he wanted to be sure no one took the next block of time in case this one went over. He wouldnt kick her out now. Not when she could tell him…

Not when he should be listening…

Unfortunately, his movement and sounds caught her eye, then added, “Apparently, I don't have you either.”

No, no…

Ben’s hands flew up into the air, promising that he was only looking to see what he had available for her. Just the motion seemed to catch her off guard. Her brow furrowed while she tried to make sense of his kindness. 

That was odd. 

Was no one kind to her?

Ben did his best to ignore his feelings. Instead he turned the screen, explaining the blocking schedule, what he kept open for emergencies and how he was offering the space to her. Strange as it was, Ben had been able to coax her into staying despite what he knew about her fight or flight response. If she was on her feet like she was, she would have gone. In the past, Rey moved. She would be gone the moment she didn't feel right, and confrontations where she had no upper hand or couldn't physically fight someone, she’d run. 

He shouldn't remember this. 

But it stuck with him. 

And when she lowers to sit again, he’s doing the best he can not to openly cheer about it. 

. . . 

Before she knows it she’s talking. 

Small things come out. How she feels about the time she’s lost. Why it bothers her now. Why she was so focused on getting them back.

“All children naturally want their parents,” she said. “It’s a need, a want to please. It’s a desire to be a welcomed family member.” After a beat she adds, “Don’t you ever feel the need to be more? To be seen by your family? To know unconditional love?”

Rey takes a moment to study her doctor’s response. He scratched in a few notes on his iPad and made some sounds as if he’d been processing what she’d asked before assuring her that she is correct in her assessments and that he has in some regard, felt those things. His addition to the conversation made it easier to continue. 

She led on, carefully, as if she could find a land mine and blow herself to bits, calling her abusers back into her life on a whim. Living in constant fear did that to her. It made everyday scarier than the last. Every one undoubtedly hit a groove that threw her back down into the crevice from which the evil seeped from. 

And yet she winced every time she called her family anything but family because they were all she ever wanted. It wasn’t fair how hard she worked for this, how important it was.

“I felt like a failure for years, unable to piece our family back together,” she breathed. “It took leaving and moving on without them to show them what they had done.” 

Rey blinked unshed tears down her cheeks, bringing up how much she missed and how she failed Ben Solo.

She doesn’t let the sound of her therapist pull her from her thoughts as she explains each of her moments in the deepest of details.

“I’d never felt it before. It was an undeniable energy that flowed through me every time our eyes met. He could control me in a way that made me want to move for him. It made me want to preform… to be there for him…”

“And what stopped you?” Rey heard him cough through his question. 

“Fear,” she whispered.

. . . 

Ben wanted to scream bullshit! 

He wasn’t frightening! Just the opposite! He knew. Why didn’t she? 

And still he pressed on, “This, Ben Solo…” he started, “When did you two meet?”

“Years ago. We weren’t kids, but he certainly acted like one,” her tone began to warm as if she was remembering something she enjoyed. “It’s what I loved most. The freeness of it all. How he’d just walk into the room and lift everyone in it. When he’d smile I’d commit it to memory, knowing full well I’d need it later that day.” 

Rey bit her lip then nodded, “I remember going in on days I didn’t work just because I knew he was. I needed him and it scared me just how much I did.”

Ben’s face felt hot, burning actually. His scalp itched under that damned wig and touching it made him tense. She couldn’t know. She’d never have told him if she knew it was him. That much he knew and so he did his best to release his stress another way. First playing with his fingernails, then twisting his fingers together, cracking his knuckles or sitting as far back as he could without tipping the damned thing over. 

He struggled with the memories that flooded his mind. 

All that time lost…

All that time where she could have been his. 

What could he have done differently to show her? 

Re continued talking but he’d missed some of it and just like that he reminded himself to stay in the moment because it could be gone. It would be. It would be gone in an hour, maybe two if she stayed to talk it out more and who knew if she would come back for another session? What if he never saw her again? 

What then? 

And so he listened. She talked about how she still sees him everywhere. Her memory remembers the lights? The sounds. The emphasis of his presence and he wonders now why she hadn’t brought up Kylo. They were identical twins, well mostly. He remembers how confused Rey looked when she was talking to him with his back turned to her. She had been the one to tell him how she knew it was him, how different he truly was from Kylo… and yet she couldn’t tell from the back. He always found that odd. Maybe she couldn’t tell at all. 

“How do you know it’s him?” he found himself asking. “You said you see him everywhere. Are you sure you aren’t seeing someone else?”

“It’s _always_ Ben. No one else,” she shakes her head. “He had a brother. A twin, Kylo. He went by Ren. To this day I never knew why. It sort of felt like I knew a version of him but never completely. Ben was solid. Solid as I’m seeing you now. I’ve never had someone there for me like that, where I just knew he was there to be there. But he seemed to distance himself as I was, and Ren was really good at promising me things I thought I needed.”

“Do you see him? Ren?” Ben cringed at calling his brother Ren, never really enjoying calling him it either. Why did he do that again? 

Ben figures he’d have to ask him when he saw him next. 

“In your memories,” he clarified himself.

Rey shook her head slightly. 

“There’s a figure. Like I know he was there, but Ben’s all I really see.”

Part of her assessment is hard to swallow. Did she just admit to be disconnected from him entirely. We’re they ever really a thing? Did she…

“Whatever it was we shared. It was nothing. I never felt safe with him… I felt like nothing,” she shook her head again. “Probably why I leaned towards him back then.”

“And why’s that?”

Rey swallowed and he followed suit, not truly wanting the answer she was about to give but certainly able to feel it formulating on his tongue. 

“Because I felt like noth—like no one… like I deserved less. I mean, that sounds bad,” Rey sighed. “I heard he was new to it. Hadn’t dated. Was soft with me in some regard but when it came down to treating me like I mattered to him...he didn’t. But this… that’s… I don't think that’s why I’m here.”

Ben gulps down his satisfaction. He was better than Kylo. Not that it was a constant struggle between them as kids or otherwise, but it was there. He assumed it was a natural thing between siblings and otherwise. He’d seen it in his extended family, and between Matt and Kylo enough times that deemed it as normal, but this was something else entirely. 

It had been years. 

They had briefly seen each other throughout them and could have changed that, but she stayed her course. 

“Alright,” he bit down his urge to keep her on the track they were on. “What are you here for?”

. . .

“Well…” she paused. “I’m having a hard time with it.”

“With what?” Ben encouraged her. 

“Letting him go.”

“Who’s him?” Ben pushed her to identify what she was doing with her therapy. He felt it was important and in no way did he want to assume what she wanted. They’d already fucked up their chances of being together this entire time by assuming things this far. 

“Ben,” she whispered and his heart sunk. 

It fell out of him and through the floor, crashing down far further than he could calculate. That was it then. She didn’t want anything else to do with him. 

That was that for assuming. 

He’d already felt his walls building as they did all those years ago. 

“Why do you feel you need to?” he whispered just loud enough for her to hear. 

“Well,” she swallowed again. “I’m married for one. I can’t keep wishing it was him.”

Rey looked up to see him fidgeting with his hands then looked at him queerly making him stop and stare. Did she see him now? Could she?

“My, um… husband is a good man,” she watched him work his jaw while she spoke. 

There was little he could do to escape the pride and discomfort he felt in her words.

Rey took an audible breath while her eyes scanned his face. It was as if he was being studied. Found. That was it, her eyes lit up, that special sparkle they’d do just for him flickered telling him all he needed to know. She knew. 

And just like that her phone vibrated in her bag pulling her from him again. Their connection was severed by another… anyone. He remembered hating that. That everyone could come between them. 

He watched her hand dart onto her bag to silence it only to see the screen flashing red signals. Her lips tightened in frustration. 

“I apologize. I’ll have to come back another time…”

“Rey, whatever it is, it can wait. Your mental health needs your attention now,” he said firmly. 

Rey’s brow bent at that. He wondered if anyone ever put her before others since he was sure she never did. 

“Lives are on the line. I _can’t_.”

What was it she said she did? He supposed it was on her file. He could always check later. Ben scrambled for that last answer, the direction it was taking them in… how would he pick it back up from there? Would she even come back? Would he ever get his closure? 

“Alright. Just maybe answer this for me for next time then,” he stopped when she looked at him again. “Why do you need to get rid of Ben if he was so important to you? To have a better life?”

“You didn’t deserve my life,” she said quietly. “You deserved someone that could make you happy and when I met you… I was broken.”

Ben blanched when he realized she referred to him as “you.”

He watched her sling her bag over her shoulder, then slide her phone into her back pocket. 

“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be what you needed,” she added. Her eyes stayed down looking at the floor when she added, “It was hard to let you go then, Ben. So hard. But those fragments of you that I see, that I remember—your qualities? They were what I looked for when I was ready because back then I believed you did not want to be found. At least not by me.”

Ben sighed trying to assure her that wasn’t true but it was too late. She’d put her hand on the knob, turned it sharply as she did, spoke softly to the door with hope about his new life and wished him a happily ever after with her. 

“You deserve that,” she smiled softly and then was gone. 


	3. Heat Behind My Memories

Ben can’t hardly move from his desk, stunned temporarily into silence only breaking from it when the door finally clicked shut. In an instant he jumped to his feet, grabbed the damned wig from his head and threw it in the trash across the room. One hand and then the other raked through his long, sweaty waves, catching on snarls as he went. 

She knew it was him. 

How did she know? 

Was he really who she saw? 

Was he always with her? 

So many questions! There were just so many of them! Ben’s hands shook when they finally dropped to his sides. He opened and closed his fists looking for something, anything to do to alleviate his anxiety before checking his jacket pocket for his smokes. 

A flood of reload came to him when he found the rectangular box, more so than it usually does, which is odd. It takes him a second to remember what she asked him years ago, why he needed it and all… Her question made him anxious at the time. He just did, never thought about it, only reached for a smoke when he felt the weight of his day bearing down on him, and then the look she gave burned him. She didn’t look mean or sound condescending when she spoke like most people did. Her question laid before him like a hand, her hand, that could pull him out of this funk, away from his safety blanket. 

Rey looked at him like she could give him something else to do, anything else. She could be there for him so that he never had to feel that way again, and with her question came his immediate answer. The one he gave to anyone who asked, “Stress,” and then her face turned to worry, acceptance and dismissive. She would give him a nod and let it go, and all at once he dropped the box on his desk paralyzed once more. 

He pushed her away too. 

He thought he was pulling her in. He thought there was more wiggle room with one word answers. He thought she’d go for it. Battle for him the way she would for his time, but she always, always stopped herself. Why was that, anyway? It couldn’t have just been him or his brother to blame, though Kylo really did nothing for her but break her down further. What did Rey say about her parents? We’re they the underlying issue? What was it about them that broke her so terribly? 

Ben whirled around at the sound of someone opening their vehicle’s doors, a small bit of him hoped it was just someone pulling in and not Rey as he marched himself over to the balcony to check. Of course it was her. He took note of the clunky old Buick she was still riding around in and the light in the parking lot. The sun setting off to the west basked her in this warm orange glow that reminded him of summer making him wish he never looked out there to begin with. 

His memories pulled him back to a cold winter’s evening when they were leaving through the back of a building, the pathway hadn’t been cleared from the snow that fell during their shift… he could see her dilemma, the way her head moved to the side and her shoulders pushed back in a rolling motion as she accepted the challenge to traverse it in her crappy sandals. He remembers the soft, sweet way he said her name and the way she turned to him instead of just going for it. It was a day he thought he had her. 

He could feel her surprise when he put his arms around her to carry her. She was light enough to do so without a care, but he had so many. She was close again. Close like the time she jumped into his arms and wrapped herself around him. Close enough to feel the way her hands laid carefully on his shoulders. Close enough to feel her breath come out in little pants as if she was studying him or better still deciding if she could rest her head on his shoulder. How he wished she would have… 

Instead he let her down to stand again and she thanked him but not the way he imagined she would. Her gaze dropped from him to the ground and didn’t return. He felt it, her struggle, and when they went their separate ways, Ren sat with her in her car while Kay sat with him in his. His eyes watered a little when she connected with him, but she stayed in the seat with Ren, the reminder of his brother’s involvement snaked into his mind just as it did when he laid claim to her around her waist. 

He could feel how torn she was, but never knew how broken, or how much she needed him.

Ben dropped his head while he stood in the doorway and watched her climb into that death trap. She’d been answering someone in code, one he was trying to remember to look up on his phone in the meantime, before she slammed her door, started the engine and made her way out of their parking lot.

Just as he did all those years ago, he wished she’d come back, and if she didn’t, she sincerely hoped she would be alright wherever she went. 

…hoped she would be alright, he repeated. How could he know she would be driving that mess of a thing? Ben blinked back his frustration. It wasn’t like he could follow her to make sure. It was getting late and he’d surely have to be on his way home soon. 

Home. 

It sounded like a word he shouldn’t mention unless she was with him in one way or another, but Ben had to let it go. She was married. Had been for years. He remembered seeing it posted on social media, not that he was looking or anything. He assured himself it was only natural to be curious and that she’d been around sometimes, still firing him up in ways he’d never say, then disappearing without a trace. It was frustrating, really. But now he had something. Now he knew she loved him, thought about him, that he was always on her mind in some way or another. She chose a man to be with based on  _ his _ qualities… he  _ was _ what she was looking for… and yet…

That underlying reason kept them from being together. 

Her parents. 

What was it that made her life that bad that she didn’t feel like she was worthy of  _ his _ time? 

What did they do to make her feel like she was worthless? 

They were awful for doing it. That was an obvious assessment, but what was it that they did that specifically got her to the point where she couldn’t trust anyone?

Trust… he grumbled. Did she trust Ren? He thought back to their time working together and even the hand full of times she came over and how she’d always be positioned towards him. She’d always find his eyes where she nearly never looked into Kylo’s. 

There was no connection, he eventually figured out. Kylo postured enough times to claim her but she had no voice. No will of her own. Ren would shut her up, bring her down, and while he searched his memory, she did watch her give it right back to him. She became bolder, testier, but still looked for something and saw it - it was the last time she came around. It was like she knew she couldn’t ask it of them. 

Rey had to be her own hero. 

Shit. 

There was his reminder to check her file. Ben moved lightning fast to pick it up from the receptionist’s desk and look over it. Sure enough the yellow marked section requesting notation on whether or not she served had been checked off. It’s why they hadn’t seen each other after that, he assumed. She left. 

Rey had gone on to serve the army. 

She became a face among the sea of people looking to defend their great nation. His gaze stayed on that section of her documentation for longer than necessary while trying to recall what it was she’d say. Rey wanted so obviously to be her own person, trying things out but never had, not the small things at least. Her larger than life activities had him wondering how she fared in that environment. Being a part of the army was something more than a chat about things they’d done. Their comradery was far different. He wondered if she was quiet, or loud, or if she brought those things up at all. 

“You look like you got more than you bargained for,” Matt said, pulling Ben from his thoughts. 

It took him a few tries to come back from his rabbit hole, but when he did, Ben sighed and agreed. 

“It certainly was.”

. . . 

Kylo remained on Ben’s mind. He wondered what it was that his brother had over him. She could t have just been willing to go his way just like that. What was it he was doing that made feeling crappy feel like home? 

His drive home hasn’t been lucrative, which was infuriating given the fact that he could get through the facts on a ride home. He was usually excellent at it, but it still stumped him. 

There was something she wasn’t telling him. 

Or was she? 

Her silence. The way she would just drop

Her thoughts and allow the next person to make her feel like less than she was made him wonder just how bad it was at home.

He found himself carefully watching his memory to find it, but she covered herself so well, even when she was at her breaking point, no one ever knew. 

Not even him. 

Rolling up to his home, Ben put the car in park and prepared himself for a warm embrace that wouldn’t be Rey’s. Ben swallowed at that. 

He never thought this would be so hard. 

But he could do it. 

He could move on like she did. 

She’d done it so many years ago now…

Ben did the math finding that her and her husband could have been together anywhere from ten to fifteen years. He’d seen the pictures of her smiling alongside her kids, and how happy he wanted to be for her zapped him with a shock he’d really rather not mention. 

He hushed his mind. There was no more time to think about this now. It was time to go in and love his wife. It was time to forget this happened. 

  
  


. . . 

  
  


She didn’t see it coming. 

Not really. 

That particular curve had been an issue all her life, no matter the vehicle. It’s truly a miracle she’d dodged the tanker and gotten off the tracks as it was. 

Rey’s hands trembled while her body began to handle the shock of what happened. 

Bodies began collecting near her crash site. 

People, they were people. 

Not bodies. 

Bodies didn't usually stand. 

Not if she was going to count them as such anyway.

Rey forced herself to focus. 

Screaming sirens began to wail far off in the distance, and initially she hoped that whoever needed their help got it, not once imagining it was for her. 

Bright lights focused on her and the wreck. People recording the mess of metal, her splintered windshield and the bloodied carcass of the deer that had jumped out in front of her that still lied in a heap across the street from her. The oddballs acted as if they had never seen an accident before, or an animal, or someone be lucky enough to walk away from such a thing. 

Rey rolled her eyes, able to remember her husband in the midst of all this who would need to be prepped in some way so he didn’t lose his mind, she smiled at the love she found in that. Her man loved her enough to come to her rescue no matter what it was—alright, within reason, of course. 

Rey remembers their story, briefly while she coaches herself to find his number in her contacts. It took more focus this time which was a concern. How hard did she hit her head? Was she bleeding? She wasn’t sure, but that bright ass light those kids kept shining in her face could go straight up someone’s ass if they kept moving it around. The constant movement was too much and there it was, her fight mode kicking in. 

_ No _ , she coaxed herself out of a rage fit. 

_ They apparently need their lives and five minutes of fame…  _ she tried and failed to keep her cool. 

Another distant sound blared making the children scatter into a semi circle as she finally connected with her bag. Clyde’s voice rang through her speaker even and true askin her why she wasn’t home yet. 

“There’s been an accident,” she told him, promising that she was fine. 

The train wailed again, it’s horn now loud and clear, making Clyde huff crazily. 

“Ya weren’t helpin nobody n got…” she could barely hear his croak but when she did she soothed him, then crossed the tracks to try for the gear in her trunk.

“Shine that shit right ‘ere, she called one of the bystanders over just to get stared at. 

The oncoming train had been frightening enough to get them to back up further cops and the local news station had finally made it to the surrounding streets, coming in to assess the damage when she finally gets the damned trunk open. 

Faintly she can hear herself exhale as she grabs yet another bag out of the car before heading off to cross the tracks. Had she waited a split second more she would have been gone. 

None of that scares her. 

If she was done, she would have been done. 

It would have been fine. 

At least that’s what her nerves suggested. She’d already been through enough to say otherwise, but trauma was a drug to Rey. 

She used it to numb her pain, to keep going… to be more.

It’s how she  _ always _ lived.

It’s what she knew. 

And so she moved with her actions in the calculated way she always had. Rey set down her bags and phone telling her husband she was answering the call, then added that there was no time. 

“I love you,” she promised him. 

“No, wait! Don’tcha—“

There wasn’t time. Rey had surveyed the scene with the help of the news channel twelve team that had come out to get the story. They provided the light she needed to verify that this was an important mission and had to be handled with care thanks to the oil leaking from the side of the truck. 

They captured her calling to the men to stay calm and that help was on the way. Next to roll up as if I’m cue were a few ambulances all of which were ready and assembled within minutes and waiting for further instructions. Rey barked out commands making sure they took advantage of her knowledge and moved each person carefully from the overturned cab. 

“The last is a casualty. Male, about one-eighty. Severe blow to the head,” she reported. 

. . . 

Ben made his way down familiar steps to his front door, his mind still full, and pressed on. 

“Hello,” he’d say every night the same way as the time before felt shaky this time, as if this had become a place he wasn’t sure of now. 

“Hey honey,” came a call from Kira, “I’m in the kitchen. Dinner’s almost ready.”

Ben nodded his head. 

This was real. 

Normal. 

His life.

Sirens screamed in the distance far out into the night, but that was normal here. Life was quiet enough to hear such things even well inside his home for miles and so it didn’t resonate with him the same way it did in his hospital days.

Back then he’d be awaiting a call or on his way in a moment's notice. Starting as an EMT conditioned him to do so. It was an itch of some sort, one that helped him fill a role he was born to do, to help people. And now after it’d been done, he moved on to the mental recovery of those who had gone through trauma in any state. It was less. Just less. Less running, less stress, less…

Up until today he could just put it away, go home and have a normal life with Kira. They could walk the dog or relax and watch Netflix, Kira was easy.. not like that. Kira was just the opposite of Rey. He could be himself, silly, vulnerable, anything and she was warm and comforting no matter what. Kira was all he needed, besides the answers he had gotten today. 

But tonight had him exploring his home like he was just learning it. 

Sirens grew louder in the next room and reports came in from across town. A male voice came through the speakers telling viewers to avoid the stretch of road, giving the situation and its play by play. Ben founded the corner, entering the kitchen where Kira stood covering her mouth, their dinner burning beside her. They both watched on as bystanders videos played. Bright lights flickered over a bloodied figure that shouted while moving towards the back of a grey  _ Buick _ .

Ben swallowed harshly, now rooted in place while the scene played out.

_ “Lives are on the line. I can’t.”  _ He remembered her say dying her appointment. 

Rey always did put others first, channeling whatever she could to help them. It’s what she was best at, what he loved… about… her…

_Fuck_.

He tried to let that go. 

It had to go. 

He wasn’t hers. 

He is _married_ , he reminded himself. 

In love with Kira. 

Ben blinked back his focus to the screen while Kira yelped about how charred the chicken had gotten. Her figure blurred as a team of first responders moved behind the barrier. He counted two individuals on stretchers, both male, as the reporter incated, then a push forward… the woman speaking with them had been thrown far enough to jostle the cameraman, throwing the light back into the scene. 

A glint of silver caught his attention, then another motion did. This time it was a silhouette behind a red and blue lit sky. It was a woman. No…

It was Rey. 

He knew it. 

It was a feeling. One he wanted to ignore but there he stood waiting for it to show him. He needed to be wrong. Maybe his feeling was wrong. Maybe it could be just as wrong as all of his memories…

But it wasn’t. 

A flash of light caressed the man she’d been pulling from the overturned cab’s driver’s side window. Her arms hooked under his own, his lifeless bloodied body gave no relief to her, the one saving his form. If Rey was anything, she wasn’t a quitter. She found the necessity in many things, and this man seemed to be too important to leave.

Was he hers? 

Did she just lose everything? 

A spot light painted them in white once more to show her struggle, her teeth gritted together in that way he remembered her doing when something was too hard but she was too determined not to ask for help. Her arms sagged and her face morphed into fear. 

“Fall back!” her volume was faintly heard over the reporters and officers off to the side, corralling the growing public as it had. 

No. 

Ben’s vision began to darken the moment he’d seen her leg jolt forward, dropping the being she held. Her bones looked as though they liquified while her figure had been thrown off screen. 

Golden orange flames shot up in multiple directions, the danger made evident by the blow back… 

His vision narrowed further the moment the camera captured her body while it sailed through the air. He felt the heat of the explosion crawl up his collar as if he were there in her position. Was he? But then she saw how she somersaulted, her body still open, falling unnaturally onto the pavement below. A sick thwack was the last thing he’d heard. Ben’s vision completely went black just after seeing the curve of her burned shoulder laying on the road. 


	4. Kira’s Connection

Waking up blank was a myth.

Most could hear sounds as their lives picked back up again. Surrounding sounds, lights… senses as they all came back, they’d functioned horribly but they threw him into the moment. 

His eyes fractured the light around him, glazing it softly enough to keep his home and figured beside him in his space blurred. He knew it was his body coming to, the cocoon of safety his consciousness tried to protect his ego with. He’d blacked out from stress and that was it. No need to go and call the paramedics. 

But Kira wouldn’t have known that. 

She’d only acted out of love, wanting him to know that she’d do what it took to keep him safe, he remembered her mentioning more than once. 

Ben swallowed at that hearing her reassess the scene and report it to the cop. 

“He just fell. I mean we were watching the news about that bad accident and I burned dinner. And Ben, Ben just collapsed. I took his temperature because I didn’t know what else to do and called immediately. He was out for maybe five or six minutes,” she choked on her words. 

Ben blinked hard and refocused himself while a paramedic placed their hands on his shoulders to steady him while another shined a flashlight in each eye. 

Several more questions passed between the individuals there with Kira answering all of them to the best of her ability. 

“What happened?” Ben forced out of him. 

His girl shrieked and covered her mouth in response which would normally fill his heart with happiness. 

For now though, he battled the rest of his senses trying to manage questions about the broadcast. 

“Don’t worry yourself about that,” Kira said, reaching her soft palm to his cheek to cup it. “It was awful but over. Shame on them for releasing that…”

“No, no! I know the woman! I know her. I need to know what happened,” his frown bent horribly while he watched his girl’s features morph with questions most likely pertaining to how he would have known that person, but let up instead. 

“You know her? Like…  _ know _ her?”

“Sort of,” he starts. “We met when we were — we were younger.  _ Please _ . I need to know if she’s alright.”

Kira’s eyes widened, no answer came to her lips though. 

Ben could only shake his head, remembering all he could from Rey. “It’s not like that,” he promised her. 

“Then what is it, Ben?” Her voice spelled out confusion.

“It’s nothing, just a feeling. A connection I have… with her. It’s not, that sounds bad. It’s not like what we have, Kira,” he promised. 

Ben couldn’t help but feel like the biggest moron but stood and made his way out of his home, promising he’d be back after he knew she was alright. 

To his surprise, Kira yanked the keys back from him, telling him that if he wanted to go, the only way to get to was with her driving. Her tone said she was against this, but challenged him to show her what he meant by “it’s not like that.” 

He was so screwed. 

Even if he loved Rey, nothing would ever happen because of it. He wasn’t that guy, and Kira didn’t deserve that….

...oh fuck. Did he just figure out what happened? 

His memories pulled him right back to the moment he tried to kiss her right before his bedroom, how close she was, how he could feel her breath leave her in short pants, how long he waited for her to answer his invitation and then how she dipped her head down. The pain evident across her face… it wasn’t that she didn’t want to… it was that Kylo did first. She belonged to him before then. She wasn’t going to put his brother through that kid of pain. 

Fuck! 

Fuck… 

Ben blinked back more of his frustration. Fucking Ren!

She just said he didn't  _ deserve _ her life. 

Ren didn't  _ deserve _ her period!

His fury must have been evident because Kira stopped all movement, his keys jingling in hand. 

“You need to tell me who this person is and what kind of hold she has on you, Ben, or both of you will be sorry for breaking me down! So help me, you do not want to see me furious.”

That was the truth, said as calmly as she could say it, given their predicament. 

Not a second later, Ben had buckled himself up and began explaining who Rey Kenobi was to him. 

. . . 

Kira was bright as she was beautiful. Which made talking about his past and the girl he once thought he knew an easier task than it sounded like. Kira was no nonsense like Rey too. She over analyzed and hypothetically dissected all he mentioned which helped Ben clear his mind and dive down into the darkest memories. 

“So, she was emotionally unavailable to you? And you took it as you had a problem?” Kira asked, her tone clear of any accusations. 

It felt weird to be at the receiving end of this, but yes. That was it. 

Ben nodded and Kira continued, “You said she finally connected with her parents and it took her her whole life to do it. You don’t think she was neglected do you?” 

Ben frowned at that. 

Was she neglected? 

Was that why she didn't understand him? Ben thought he was being obvious, but… he blinked back his anger, it made sense. 

“What do you know about abuse cases, Ben?” Kira offered her thoughts. 

“What do you mean?”

“I think you know,” Kira said as she signaled to make a turn. 

“You think she was  _ abused _ ?” his voice shook as he said that last word. He didn’t want to believe that. Not even a little. 

“Think about it, Ben. You said she felt safe with you. Who says that? We’ve been together for the last six years and I haven’t ever mentioned it. It’s just a feeling I know. One I don’t have to say, and she said it.”

He noticed that in his memories of her she’d be talking to him but stop when she realized there was an audience. Her head would drop and the story would change. She was trying to tell him so she didn’t have to be alone… 

“Rey sounds like a girl I used to know, Ben. The girl had a family she was responsible for her brother and sister, took care of her parents like they were her kids. She had to grow up fast and I’ll be the first to say, I didn’t understand it at first. Everything she said sounded like a lie. Like no one lived like that just because I didn’t.”

Ben’s face blanched. 

Rey had a brother. Did she have a sister? Didn’t he meet another Kenobi once? 

He did… he had her text Rey… 

And he got back a single word… one that hurt. One he didn’t understand. 

“ _ Don’t _ .”

Ben shut down after that. 

Cut all ties to his memories of her and moved on. 

“The point I’m trying to make is that this person may have held onto a handful of memories just to get by, and in all honestly… you may have even saved her life on more than one occasion because of it…” Kira paused, pulling into a space to finally park. “It doesn’t mean that whatever bond you have doesn’t bother me. It is hard being your wife and knowing that I might not be your soulmate because of this history—“

“What? No! Kira, you are everything to me. No one, not even Kylo would have been capable of having this conversation with me. Sweetheart, it was in the past.”

“And still a closure you’re seeking,” she said finally. 

“Yes,” he agreed. 

“Then let's go find your closure. Maybe then you’ll be able to move on.”

Ben gave her a small smile, one saved for responding to uncomfortable moments, ones he was sure Rey shared constantly. He found it odd that he’d held onto such actions and wondered if Rey still did them or if he’d ever have the strength to tell her he did.

“Okay,” he agreed.

. . . 

He should have known better than to think that he could check on status. He had been in the field for long enough to know but something made him feel like he needed to see anyway.

That might at home he sat on the couch with Kira who still patiently ran through other scenarios with him until she finally drifted off to sleep. Despite being sleepy and exhausting nearly all of himself to figure out Rey's past, Ben decided on bringing up the broadcast again. 

Not much else surfaced, just some disgruntled teens who had been hollered at by her, which Ben had a chuckle or two for. Reports of her status being in critical condition didn’t seem to help, which poured only more oil on the fire before he too fell asleep. 

The next morning, Kira was careful to wake him, making sure he could get up on his own. She made coffee, breakfast, then called Kylo to check his hours. 

“Your brother said he can pick you up if you don’t want to drive,” she offered. 

“Nah, I’m alright, sweetheart,” he promised. 

“Just stressed…”

“Yeah,” he interrupted. 

“Yeah. And I don’t need you having an accident over a hypothetical conversation. It was all speculation…”

“I  _ know _ , Kira,” Ben ran both of his hands through his hair. “I know. It’s just— I’m fine.”

Ben kept his eyes low, pointedly focusing on the rest of his coffee before apologizing. 

“The last thing I need is Kylo getting into it with me about this,” he fudged the truth knowing fully well that he meant to bring it up to him at work. “You know how he can be…”

“Yeah,” Kira 

“C’mon, now, Kira,” Ben turned to circle his arms around her center. 

“C’mon what?”

“Stop, it’s not like that. Not now. It was in the past.”

“But you're still so hung up about it.”

“Wouldn’t you be if you had the capability to save a life?”

“Just any life?” Kira asks, melting finally to his touch.

“Every life,” Ben said. He couldn’t say only Rey’s but Kira added it for him making Ben sigh heavily. 

“Is that so bad?”

“It depends on what that means for us,” Kira whispered.

Again he sighed and pulled her closer still. 

. . . 

After he watched Kira back out of the driveway and head off to work, Ben put his plan of returning to the hospital into action. 

His mind refills with doubt the moment he makes it back to the hospital, his white lab jacket slung on his shoulders as he made his way up to the door this time. He’d been happy to know he hadn’t gotten any heavier or broader since med school at that moment. Still, he had to leave it open to move the way he wanted to, the ends of his jacket flying behind him as he went. 

“Sir?” a woman’s voice came up behind him, halting his efforts before the security guard. 

Ben turned expecting to be turned away only to be checked over by someone who recognized him. 

“Oh, Dr. Solo. I didn’t realize anyone was expecting you. Are you on today?”

“No. Experimental work study,” he answered. It wasn’t a lie. He wasn’t exactly sure this would give him access to her but he had to try. 

“What kind? There’s a new plan implemented for certain levels. I have to give clearance…”

“It’s actually a burn victim. One from last night. The woman is a patient of mine from my practice RSR and we’re looking to lay out a plan with her family.”

“Wouldn’t that be done in office?” The tall woman asked. 

“Not in as dire circumstances as these are.”

The woman nodded, lifted a finger and pulled up the woman’s room. She handed him a red plastic card with her location within the burn unit. 

“I don’t know how bad it is,” she said, “but I did hear that someone is moving today. I hope it’s your patient,” she nodded gently at him before turning back to the line of visitors. 

Ben’s route through the facility changed making him hand a left past the elevators and onward down towards the ER. Their burn ward wasn’t far from it. Ben’s quick steps marched him through the halls fast enough to dry the tears pricking the corners of his eyes. 

Burn ward. 

He knew it wasn’t going to be a pretty sight, but he needed this. He needed to know that she was alive. He could help her be alright. 

Ben swallowed the burning pain of that word. 

What if he couldn’t make it better for her? 

What if she passed?

Figures filled the halls in certain sections, some with more people than others, and then one specifically with a man roughly the same height and body type as himself. It was as if he was looking at Kylo, but not. Kylo was thinner and this guy was built like a house, the only thing missing had been his left hand, which made him frown just slightly. 

Was this someone from the accident?

Ben frowned when he remembered what she said, “I looked for you in other people.”

It was probably her husband.

_ Fuck _ , he complained mentally. 

She said that to clarify that she had moved on. 

Rejected him. 

It’d been fifteen years since he heard from her…

Alright, he’d seen her places and she... she ignored his presence, ran from him, fleeing and disappearing from his heart, pulling him through a grief he couldn’t understand all over again. 

He didn’t deserve it, he told himself. Moving on stung, but he did it. Focused with school and family to replace the pain with joy. 

And yet with all she shared yesterday, he couldn’t help but remind himself how wrong he’d been. 

There was no way back. No way to right those wrongs. Heat bloomed in his face the further his mind opened up his memories to him. She’d wanted him. It was evident daily. And he… the closer he got the more she questioned herself. 

Why couldn’t he just say it? 

And now he stared at her daughter all of about maybe seven years old, curling up in her daddy’s arms while they waited for news on Rey.

Ben’s phone rang in his pocket, pulling him from the scene before him.

Kylo.

He grumbled at the sight of his brother’s name on the screen enough to stir the man before him. 

The only thing Ben could do was curse and turn heel, and slid the bar to answer his call.

Ben chewed on his lip, working his jaw in that way his brother knew he was overthinking something. 

“No hello, big brother?” Kylo asked and flopped down in his office chair, playing with the pendulum on his desk. 

“No hello? Are you for real right now? Do you have any idea where I am?” Ben hissed. 

“Not here, for one,” Kylo laughed, unaware of the situation. 

“I’m at the hospital,” Ben grumbled.

That stopped Kylo, his eyes flicked up from the metal ball to finally look at his brother, “You didn’t faint again, did you?”

Why did he have to say it like that? And why did his volume have to be up so high! Ben right lip-smiled at people passing him in the hallway with a curt nod before continuing his conversation. 

“No i did not faint… again,” Ben rolled his eyes. “I’m not sure it would even constitute as fainting anyway,” he gritted through his teeth as a warning. “I’m  _ here _ for Rey.” 

Kylo’s brow furrowed at the sound of  _ that _ name. 

“You’re at the hospital for  _ Rey _ ?” Kylo shifted in his chair, then began again. “Rey? Like my Rey?”

“She was never yours Kylo,” Ben whispered.

“But she let you down, didn’t she? She chose me—“

“And look where that got you. Neither of us know her anymore and it’s all your fault.”

Silence struck the line. 

It wasn’t Kylo’s fault, not really anyway. 

“My fault?  _ My _ fault?” Kylo repeated. “Oh, I don’t think that was  _ my _ fault at all.” 

Ben quietly looked over his shoulder at the attending staff who began speaking to the one handed man. 

“You were too afraid to talk to a pretty girl, so it was my turn to take my chances. You ever think she wanted someone to take the lead? You ever think she wanted guard, to be taken? To be told what to do and when to do it?” 

His brother’s mouth kept moving but his words stopped holding value. Rey needed someone to take the lead… she needed a hero… his aha moment came and went on the end of Kylo’s breath. 

“It’s been fifteen years though, Ben. She got married to some guy,” he snorted, “that looks more like you than me…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“She was gone for you, even while we dated. I couldn’t get anywhere with her because she was so busy fighting with her thoughts…  _ about you _ . You’d pop in and whatever was happening between us would end. If anything I should be pissed! You were always there calling her attention to you…”

Ben scratched the back of his neck remembering her laid out on their workout bench, how he popped in the doorway to see her submit to Kylo and how she turned to him when he spoke. He didn’t feel bad about it either. Fuck Kylo and his quick moves with her. Rey was supposed to be his. They flirted with each other after work about it enough, she hugged and climbed onto him that morning, and if he was being honest with himself, he was certain he wasn’t posturing for her attention at all. It was obvious she was his, but maybe _not that obvious_ _since he never asked her to be._

Shit. 

Ben swiped the phone, ending Kylo’s call and his concentration all at once. 


	5. I Know, I Feel It Too

Rey wakes up to the sound of her breathing, something about it sounds unnatural, mechanical almost. She focuses a little too hard on the way her exhale sounds that she hasn't been able to accept the oxygen on it’s inhale. 

A sharp beep makes her head turn towards it. 

Her eyes feel heavy, swollen probably. 

The fact that this has not scared her is due to her training. Her inner self scoffs at the word. 

Training. 

That’s what it was, wasn’t it?

Rey sighed with the help of whatever was forcing oxygen into her lungs and prepped herself to take on the next inhale despite not exactly wanting it to. 

A trigger seemed to have been switched, her vitals coming back online as a tube seemed to be removed forcefully from her throat. 

“She’s chokin’ on it!” she heard a familiar voice argue with the staff. 

_Clyde_. 

There wasn't a sweeter sound that could drive her into a state of calm like he could. Her eyebrows tugged at the skin just above her eyelid in response since smiling was out at the moment. Instead, she let his barking go on on her behalf. 

It’s what she came to love about him. Her strong willed husband had her back, Rey remembers, dying to smile over the memory of meeting him but refrained. The work they were doing to remove the hose from her throat had been a little too much for her, the thought was near devastating given the horror she had been known to take all throughout her life. What else could possibly hurt her in such a shocking way, she wondered. 

Her eyes hadn’t been able to open but still she could feel the cool liquid forming under them, easing tears from the corner of them through dirt crusted lashes. Rey ached to wipe them, her finger lifted just high enough off the bed to signal life - survival to her husband who rushed through the room only to be stopped by the staff. 

“I’m sorry dear, you cannot cross--”

“The hell I cant! I’m her husband! I can do what I want!”

“Sir!”

_ “Sir!” _

Now multiple bodies marched around the room, their voices and stomping feet grew stronger with commands, before a particularly loud woman hollered at the lot of them. 

“This is a sterile zone! For the safety of your wife you will respect that!”

She could hear how her husband responded, how his body slowed but his sighs made it seem like he needed to say something, anything to allow him access to her.

Say it, she pressed him with her mind. 

And there it was, “Ya’ll gone n hurt my girl, rippin at her like she's some carcass on ta side a ta road,” Clyde huffed.

She could only cry a little harder hearing him voice what she couldn't. Her tears ran like rivers down the sides of her face. Her eyes still unable to open made her feel like less of a human suddenly. 

Rey ached to say his name, to promise him she was alright because he was there and it hurt her physically, more than how she had come to be in this contraption that she couldn't. She could feel his pain. It matched her own, filled her senses and the room, and all she wanted to do was calm him

Movement came around steadily. It was as if her medicine was finally kicking in and could push herself for some type of normalcy. 

Gloved hands came up to her face to secure a tube just outside her nose then released it to tape a side against her cheek. The clacking of the woman’s shoes pulled her attention to the floor but found moving her head to be just as difficult as opening her eyes so she stopped a moment to focus on the nurse beside her. It sounded as if she was changing the bag, inserting a new medicine to it, she was nearly sure, and squeezed. 

Fucking hell, Rey hated when they squeezed the bag. It always made the needle in her arm feel as if it was on fire. 

Some would say that it was better she could focus on the bag and not what happened but she was certain that making the IV needle sting had a suck factor that went way above their wuss charts. 

Being in the hospital itself was a safe place for Rey. She felt the calmest there, not, of course when she was growing up, but now that she was grown and knew these people were doing their jobs instead of trying to catch her in her lies about what had happened, she felt as though she was a normal person seeking aid. That in itself was huge.

Not something she wanted to delve into at the moment, especially while trapped in the darkness her eyelids created…

Instead she forced herself to try taking stock of what happened. The absolute last thing she remembered was being on top of the door pulling a lifeless stranger from the cab below her. Waking up to the feel of a cold hospital bed beneath her was frustrating enough. 

Her night shouldnt have gone like that. She had plans to chop wood alongside her guy while they watched their daughter play with the dogs until bed. It was just their routine, what they did to pass time out on their land. If it wasnt that, Clyde especially enjoyed sitting on the old stump they always talked about uprooting but never did, and counting the rings with his favorite little girl. They should have gone in after losing count of the stars and put their little lady to bed before finding each other for the night again. 

Finally able to smile, the corners of Rey’s lips drop, making her frown dip deeply towards the ground. 

“Now look what ya gone an done,” Clyde growled at the nurses.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Rey barely whispered beyond the curtain.

Normally she wouldn't call him such a thing outside of their bedroom, but it was added as a necessity. It called him to the plastic curtain, the sound of his hand touching it made her want to reach out too, but her body had just been too weak to respond. 

It’s been too much. Too many saves, too many times.

It wasn’t that she made a habit out of looking for these types of things, but more that she’d known the suffering they’d have gone through if help didn’t come. The general public didn’t always know how to respond to such things. Her training, however, helped her think on her feet in more ways than one.

It brings her back, deeper into her memories, a place she truly doesn’t want to go. She can feel the light fading around her even though her eyes are closed.

No, she whispers and shifts in the bed trying desperately to shake the feeling of drowning. She’d stayed above the surface for so long, ignoring this. 

She stayed in the moment before then, mostly. 

Joining the army was a good option to focus her. 

Her only option. 

Staying behind wouldn’t have done anything for her physical and emotional state. The toxicity of what was her family gnawed on her every move making it a do or rot situation. Dying wasn’t an option, she told herself, she had too much of her grandmother in her. That warrior spirit could only take so much before it broke free. And that’s just what the army did, it set her free.

Signing up had gone unnoticed by her father. He was never really there anyway. Always traveling for work or drowning in a bottle, she rolled her eyes under her kids at the memory then dropped them. Her mom was the one she worried about most. The things she’d done and said tore a rift between them in such a way it was hard to see a future there. Her brother and sister were grown enough to make their own choices and learn the hard way especially after being pinned for being the responsible one. That ticked her right off. They didn’t know what she sacrificed and it showed. As much as Rey would have there’d to get them out of there and safe, she was done, and they would have to learn.

Her mother figured it out the first night Rey hadn’t come home. Rey could only imagine what she did about it, assuming she made up some extravagant story and making a scene for whoever to see. The woman liked to play the victim. It was her deal and Rey always found herself at the end of the barrel of the woman’s nightmares as if she created them. 

She did in a way, Rey blinked despite her eyes being closed. The specifics were known to her but there wasn’t time to be bellyaching over it anymore. It had been years, years of living with her that she should have just been able to learn how to let go and yet, the woman just couldn’t. 

Rey remembered checking in with all she could carry. Enough new recruits were doing the same for her to pay much mind to the looks people were shooting her way. She got enough of that at home to keep her head focused and her feet on the ground. 

No one was going to deter this soldier, especially now since her mother wasn’t here to control her. 

Bunk assignments were straightforward just as troops were. It was all about following instruction and serving as needed, something Rey had been specifically trained for. She didn’t have some pipe dream need to be better than her unit, she just needed to perform and that’s exactly what she did. 

Even among ranks she knew she was different. Quiet, driven, determined and an outcast of sorts. It’s what she knew best unfortunately. Something about connecting on a personal level where showing that she was, in fact, human made her skin crawl. 

Being human meant making mistakes. 

It meant… she knew what it meant at home… The flashbacks were enough to put PTSD to shame. Well, alright, her own PTSD at least. Rey knew she’d shouldn’t say much about other soldiers’ problems, she just knew what she knew, and knew she shouldn’t. Somehow it brings her back to her blasted family despite how hard she was trying to guide her thoughts.

Thoughts bubbled up behind her eyes about her family, the great amount of time she put in the time to heal them but saddened once again for those she’d lost along the way, including Ben. She can feel him in her mind how hard it was to pull away, how hard it was to break his stare, how hard it was to talk about her past, how she knew she’d been treated...how she looked for his qualities to move on… her broken heart stayed long after she found Clyde, her husband of nearly eleven years. 

There were times she couldn’t see how she got there with three kids, a good husband who’d stayed by her side, hugged her when he’d come home and tell her about his day. Memories of her kids double teamed her making them just as jumbled as the laundry is dirty, but she could see Ben and his beautiful brown eyes as clearly as she’d last seen him. As If she could wake up back in that moment and confess all she’d been feeling. 

There was no way for that release and the closure she’d begged for in his presence earlier that day didn’t satisfy her in the way she thought it might, and so the swelling lump in her throat continued to grow.

Clyde growled again in frustration pulling her from her jostled memories. 

“Maker,” he sighed. “What the hell did you think you were doing?”

The plastic curtain squeaked against the rings attached to the ceiling while it swayed. 

It made her want to try to speak up. She could almost feel like she was losing him. Her guy… the one that would stay even if he was feeling ornery. He’d stay despite walking off during arguments or complaints. He’d stay not because he vowed to but because he loved her. Rey swallowed harder this time, wetting her throat and licking her lips before trying to reach him.

“I,” she sighed and heard him rustle the plastic as if he was gripping it with his fist. 

Somehow she could tell he was listening and it felt odd to have that, even now after all these years, but still she pressed her luck and the words flowed on heavy sighs.

“Wouldn’t you try to save them if you had the chance?”

“No, Rey. I’m not a cop…” his repose came loud and strong despite his normally calm and quiet demeanor. It jolted through her body and all at once she found herself upset by the sound. “I’m not some  _ hero _ n neither are ya. We’re normal people with kids that are expectin’ us to be with  _ them _ .”

“ _ Clyde _ ,” Rey coughed, “We  _ are _ though.  _ You _ taught me that.”

She could hear him rattle off mumbled words which made her smile as wide as her bandage allowed her to. 

“You’ve helped me through so much, Clyde. More than you could know.” 

She could see his response in her mind, the way he’d press his lips in a firm line instead of letting any one of his answers fly out of his mouth. He’d always been like that though, she swallowed her wonder so many times trying to figure out why he never said what he meant, not until he was ready that was. 

Rey couldn’t say much to it though. 

She was quiet too. 

Calculated.

And being with Clyde helped her open up. He helped her feel like she had a purpose, one to herself that made her who she was. And who was she if she wasn’t preforming like the heroine he taught her to be?

“I couldn’t let it happen. I thought I could—“ 

“Well ya didn’t.” Clyde interrupted, “N-now look at ya.”

Rey rolled her eyes under her closed lids.

“I can see ya doin’ that, ya know…”

“I’d expect no less,” she grinned again, testing her abilities. “How are the kids?” she nearly regretted asking the question. 

It was as if she could finally remember parts of her life she’d been barely living through. Her kids weren’t her brother and sister, nor her parents. Her kids were _her-their_ _kids._ The ones they made together.

“Worried. Well ta older two are. Our daughter is too young ta know, even though she’s here,” he sighed again.

Rey could only press her lips together.

“I’m not coming home. I heard them,” she says quietly. 

“Don't be talkin like that,” her husband croaks. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I couldn’t leave him to die.”

“But ya practically killed yourself…”

New tears streamed down her face. 

“It wasn’t intentional.”

“But it was, Rey. You went to help.”

“Clyde… I’ve always wanted to help, missed so, so many of my callings. I never saw myself here, at the end of my life. Not here. Not in this bed… not waiting for someone to make the decision to pull the plug.”

Her husband is silent. Tears well in his eyes and he breaks down asking if she regrets him and their togetherness. 

“I don’t, Clyde.I love you. I love our kids, our life… could be better,” she added with a smile. 

“What about it?” Her husband covered an eye with the heel of his hand. “I’ll do anything to change it.”

“I’m afraid it’s too late for that,“ she said, correcting herself as she went. “It’s nothing you did. Nothing, do you hear me, sweetheart? It’s just my life before meeting you is what I would have changed. I’ve spent my whole existence trying to fix it instead of living. But you,” she shook her head slightly, “You have so much Clyde. You have your family and our family, you have the opportunity to be there for the kids. Get up and play with them whenever they feel like it. Don’t make them feel alone. Hug them when they need it because they won’t always tell you… and you don’t need an invitation to…” she sniffles, “because you’re their father.”

Pain took over her body calling the staff back to her which shoved her husband back out into the hall where Sarah sat patiently with a nurse and someone else. 

“Who’re ya?” Clyde nodded at the man sitting beside his daughter with a challenge in his eye. 

. . . 

It’s uncanny how similar they looked. Ben took stock of his features, seeing some physical resemblances of himself and wondered how seriously Rey meant that she looked for him in other people. His heart raced and stopped all at once at the prospect. 

Her husband gave him a dirty look trying to assess why he was still outside his wife’s door. It seemed only right to introduce himself but how? Her love interest from forever ago? No, no, he should be a professional now, Ben’s thoughts guided him thankfully then. 

“Hi, I’m Dr. Solo, Mrs. Logan’s therapist. Mister?”

“A therapist? That doesn’t seem important at the moment, doctor,” Clyde said waving his hand at Rey’s door as if it weren’t obvious. 

That’s right. 

Kylo said the guy looked slow but he was smart and sarcastic to some degree, mostlikely given he couldn’t be swearing around his little girl. Ben wondered if he personally had those qualities or if she settled because he wouldn't speak up. She had to have settled. He wasn’t an ass. That he knew. Kylo could be a prick, but not Ben. He had a humble heart of gold and Rey, she knew. 

“It is,” he forwarded his thoughts to allow him access. “The emotional state she’s in right now can drive her to let go. Do you want that, Mister?” he repeated looking for the man to give his name.

Rey’s husband was silent for a good while and finally conceded, “No. No I don’t want that,” he started Ben down waiting for whatever else he was going to add but watched on as Ben straightened his jacket, then settled his hand on her door knob. 

A shaky breath leaves him being that he’s here, finally, after all this time. So much had been on his mind since yesterday, all of which he hoped he could rectify for the both of them.

_ Please… _ he breathed as he turned the knob to let himself in.  _ Please be willing to let it out. _

Ben entered the room on his own after the staff restabilized her. He’s given the update as if he’s her physical doctor which he finds odd, but accepts it with a curt nod. The first thing he sees is her. Not her bandages or the burns that needed to air out. Just her. 

He’s not sure why but has a feeling she knows he’s there. It’s odd being seen even though she couldn’t possibly open her swollen eyes. The color that swirled around her pale face was terrifying but as noted on her chart, he noticed she hadn’t suffered any severe damage to her skull, just a major concussion, no memory loss that they could see given her notes interactions with both the staff and just recently her husband.

So there was that.

It looked as though she damaged her hips in the fall and had her ankles in cuffs to help her with circulation, all of which was extremely lucky given what he’d witnessed. 

“Ben…” he hears her whisper, making him all sorts of nervous about the man following him in. 

Why couldn’t she address him differently? Did she really have to say his first name like that? Soft and longingly… 

Shit. 

It’s hard to see her like this, and yet he still needed to function. 

“Hey, Rey,” he tried responding casually. 

He stood in silence for a while until he heard her add, “I’m sorry.”

His eyes snapped up to hers even though they remained shut he watched her tears fall. 

“No, no… no. What are you sorry for?”

“Everything,” she said and he felt his heart constrict. 

“But this isn’t where you belong right now. You belong with your wife. Not, not with a girl that broke your heart. You should be celebrating your new life. That love… that isn’t not here... not like that. Not like what she gives you.”

She was saying goodbye.

She knew something he didn’t. What was it? 

Ben shook his head trying to ignore the possibility that it could be and added, “But it is. You love me like family. You’ll always be my family, Rey,” he choked out. “I’ll miss you if you give up on us.”

“Now I thought ya said ya was a doctor—“ Clyde interrupted, his hand clapping down on Ben’s shoulder as a warning. 

Ben panicked. 

His energy seemed to scream through his veins though. This needed to be done and come hell or high water he was going to calm the tide. He was going to do his best to help her through what she lost, whatever it was, including their lost relationship. 

“You mean that?” Rey asked. 

“Ya wanna tell me what the hell’s goin on here?” Clyde’s voice roared within the room.

“I do,” Ben answered, feeling the stinging pain that his admission burn through his nose and prickle his scalp. It was something that was always open to her. Something he always held onto with hope of different circumstances. 

Rey let out a whimper of sorts and cried. 

She just let go and it felt horrible and wonderful all at once. Sure, he had no intention of making her feel that way, but the weight of time, the accident and his chance to make this right pushed her over. In some way his vision started to clear despite the fog Clyde’s presence was creating just by being there.

To his surprise, Rey extended her hand to the plastic shield. “You were always a part of me,” she sniffled, which made him lift his to meet hers on the other side. 

“I know, I felt it too.”

With that Rey’s arm gave out, dropping it from the barrier, halting their moment altogether. She’d lost the battle of her own exhaustion, calling Ben back to the other man in the room. 

Rey’s husband.


	6. A Look Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes into Rey's recollection of her childhood where her parents were abusive. While this doesn't go far into physical abuse it does go over abandonment and that can be hard for some people, so if this is a trigger for you, stop reading at:
> 
> Rey began with explaining her parent’s beginnings. 
> 
> And start back up again at:
> 
> “I’ma kill em,” Clyde promised.

To this day, she still isn’t sure what Ben said to get Clyde to let him around without killing him, but is thankful for the time that he’d allotted toward her. He didn’t have to come twice a week or at all after that. It was healing enough to know he didn’t hate her. 

The times he did come she tried her best to make whatever talk they did manage about him and his family. 

“Do you have pictures?” she asks, changing the subject yet again. 

“Pictures of what?” Ben asked.

“Your wedding?”

“Rey you can’t open your eyes, how are you going to look at a picture?”

“I haven’t tried yet, but I could.”

“I’d rather you rested.”

“Fine,” she sounded like herself again, he noted. “Describe it then.”

“It was nice. Quiet,” he laughed at Rey’s eyebrow lifting. “Yeah, Solo’s aren’t quiet, but you know, not overloaded—just family. I played a song I wrote for Kira, Kylo got drunk as ever and we found him that night as we were leaving to get to the hotel hugging the tire of someone’s truck,” Ben spit a laugh, then couldn’t stop. His cheeks turned bright red and his eyes watered terribly, adding, “I remember trying to move him, but he was intent on staying there. I can’t imagine what he was thinking, but…” Ben cleared his throat and started again only to be interrupted by Rey. 

She assured him that Ren was just like that from why she could tell. 

“Your wedding sounded beautiful, Ben. Kira’s a lucky girl,” Rey said and did her best to open her eyes. 

She groaned and picked the crust out of her eyes wondering just how long it would take to get them to stop doing that. 

“Ours was lovely too,” Rey spared telling Ben all about it. Clyde was a simple man, one that found his head in the clear open air. “Small,” she nodded, “but we weren’t much for crowds. To us it was more about getting married to each other than it was about all the partying.” 

Her hand still rested in Clyde’s, while she tried to calm him in Ben’s presence. He still wasn’t sold on what it was Ben said he was doing there and he would be damned if the two had time alone. It wasn't that he didn't trust his girl but he’d just met the “guy friend” posing as a doctor, looking for her attention. 

“The only thing I’d try to change was the constant variable, the one I couldn't change then or now. It would have been nice to have them - normal parents with me, but,” Rey shrugged then apologized. “That was too much, right?”

“If it’s therapeutic then, no.”

Rey blew raspberries at his premise thinking he was messing around. 

“I’m sorry they did that to you,” he adds.

“It is what it is, Ben. They’ve been this way my whole life. It’s not new, not to me at least.”

“Right but you shouldn’t be. You should have someone who understands, and we can’t do that if you keep it in. Even if it was normal in your family, you shouldn’t accept it for normal. You don’t deserve that!” Ben shot up from his chair and started stalking around the remainder of the room. 

“There’s no point in getting upset about it.” 

“Of course there’s a reason to get upset about it. Look what you’ve let them take from you! What if Clyde wasn’t present in this? You’d be alone, wouldn’t you?”

Clyde’s brow furrowed at the sound of his name from the man’s lips. 

“Yes,” Rey replied. “I’d be alone.”

“But you aren't,” Clyde assured her and Ben nodded. 

“But I am…” she paused. “There are things you don't know… things I don't have the strength to tell…”

“But you have to find it,” Ben interrupted. He shook his head looking for any way for her to understand what he was asking. “Think of it as your cure. The one you need to get out of here, what then? What would you do?”

“Take it to my grave,” her message was heavy enough to gain a sigh from her husband. 

“It cant be that bad, Rey. What yer sayin’, it cant be.”

“I don't want to hurt you, just as I didn't want to bring you into it back then, Ben… I--why can't you trust me? Why can't you see that I might not be doing it for me?”

“Rey, sweetheart,” Clyde grasped her hand, “I need ya ta think a me n the kids… if this is gonna help ya like Dr. Solo says, dontcha think we oughta try it?”

Rey turned her head to look at her husband, really look at him… “You really think this is going to change my fate? Talking about it?”

“You did reach out to me, Rey,” Ben added, getting a side eye from Clyde who was just about done with Ben interjecting. “I’m just saying, it couldn't hurt to try…”

“It could,” Rey nodded. 

Moments had passed and silence took over again, both men waited for Rey to make up her decision on the matter when finally they heard it from her. Her submission. 

“Fine,” she sighed, “but don't say I didn't warn you.” 

Rey had gone through her next set of vitals, a sponge bath and new IV site change before getting a chance to speak. Not that she was all that upset by it. Truly she had no interest in pulling out the stops for either of them. 

She wanted to forget.    
  
Never see the pain again.

Never feel it again. 

She understood it to a point. There were questions left unanswered like the uncovered burns that covered her chest that still provided an unseen enemy, one that evaded her throughout her life with them. It was more pain than she believed she was deserving of, even with her history. But the moment the last nurse left and the guys were allowed back into her space it was time to start talking. It was time to walk through the valley of death and be seated within it as the empress of suffering.

That was dramatic, but no doubt where they’d keep her after. 

Rey blinked back the frustration that held, how long she fought for a different outcome… all for this. 

“Alright, now where should I begin?” she asked rhetorically, but of course Ben suggested the beginning. Rey rolled her eyes then snagged her eyelashes on another crusty eye booger which she dashed from her before starting. 

Rey began with explaining her parent’s beginnings. 

“They were kids when they had me. Teenagers really,” she lowered her eyelids shielding herself from the memories of her angered parents. There had been so many times that they’d acted out and targeted her because of it that all she could do was accept the fact that it was wrong to be that young and start a family. “Far as I know, no kid is ready to take on that kind of responsibility. Especially not them,” Rey schooled her features the best she could. “Their families did not take lightly to it, obviously and it caused a rift between my parents. My father wanted an abortion or to set me up for adoption. Either way, I wasn't wanted by him specifically. My mother, being adopted herself, she wasn't for the idea and decided to keep me and see where it went until she found out she had a thyroid problem and would most likely not conceive again. Instead of being alright with that and loving what she had, despite me being a mistake, they went for it, and tried for more kids.

The trouble wasn't my brother, it was how they went forward with it. He was planned, wanted, and I was tossed to the side like garbage,” Rey looked down at her hands which were already starting to heal to pick at the cuticles there. “Kids know so much more than we give them credit for, ya know?”

A lump in her throat grew at the sound of her own voice. 

Shit, this was really happening.

“Um, anyway,” Rey started again. “My brother, he could get away with anything. I just figured it was because he was a baby, even if he was only a year younger than me, he was allowed to screw up and live his life however he wanted to and I just couldn't. I had to be mindful, self aware, and strong enough to care for both of us. If I didn't, they’d let us fight. I learned a lot from him and if I retaliated in a way that didn't allow him a victory, I’d get destroyed by one or both of them. When I was little, I didn't understand what I was being hit for but I certainly knew he wasn't. There was a difference between the two of us that I realized by the time my sister came along. As much as it hurt, it wasn’t a shock. They just loved the other kids and I wasn’t part of that.”

Clyde reached over to take Rey’s hand but she continued picking at the hardened skin around her nails. He looked to Ben, Rey knew, but did not follow suit. She was caught in the pull, the whirlpool ready to take her into its current…

“We moved a lot,” Rey nodded. “Anywhere from one to three years we were gone to a new place. I was told it was for work but it was usually because someone was onto the odd dynamic that I called family. The first person to figure it out was a school teacher who commented on my need to please and the fact that my chores seemed excessive. I don't remember seeing their faces, but the moment they came back I was thrown somewhere dark. I’m pretty sure I blocked that one out of my memories completely because that’s all I remember,” she nodded. 

“There were instances where they’d leave me places on purpose while we moved,” Rey pursed her lips, then added, “I got really good at waiting. One of the rest stops had a low drain and wide enough rungs that I could fit most of my arm in it to pick up change people dropped for food,” Rey turned her arm to see if the scar was still there from the first time she tried. It was a surprise to see that it was torn up again from blisters which was both frightening and welcome. Secretly she hoped that it would never be the same, that she could let go of it due to its presence being wiped out by this current mess. 

“Once or twice they realized I was gone and came back for me. Other times I had to find a Greyhound and try to make the trip with whatever I had in my shoe provided I didn't lose it,” Rey pursed her lips again pointing at her feet to explain where she had carved out part of her shoe’s tongue to safely store bills. 

“How old were you when this was happening?” Ben asked, unable to close his mouth after.   
  
“It was a good stretch of time, Ben. The first time was when I was five,” Rey jumped at the sound of Clyde standing up fast, his hand fell around the back of it to lift it, but remembered himself. He struggled with wanting to put his good hand through something, anything, but nothing was truly breakable except for his hand thanks to the concrete walls. 

“The last time I remember it happening was when I was twelve. By that time,” she nodded, “I had a system.” 

“And you didn't think to go to the police?” Ben growled while he clicked the pen in his hand again. 

“No.”

“Why not? They could have helped you!”

“They would have hurt me, Ben. I was an abused kid, I can say that now. I couldn’t then,” her eyebrows lifted at how that word flowed from her. She stopped so many conversations, so many trial runs, so many times to people who couldn't possibly understand where she was coming from. “I never told on them back then and they still hurt me in the possibility of someone finding out. I lived in fear. It’s what kept me from the things I wanted, the people I wanted. It froze me in place, silenced me on a level I wouldn't have known fear to do, so no. Bringing it out into the open to a cop was not in the plans!”

“But you, you felt safe enough with me to try back then, didnt you?” Ben asked. 

“Yeah, well you weren't a cop, but you posed as a threat as it was,” she added. 

“And why was that? Because I would have done the right thing and gotten you the help you needed? Is that why?”

Rey nodded sadly and Ben shook his head. 

“I could have helped you,” he whispered.

“No, Ben. You couldn't have. I knew what I was up against. The last thing I needed was you inserting yourself into my situation. My abusers didn't stop at abandoning me places. There were full scale attacks, they were people I had to run from based on other people’s decisions. My brother and sister were completely capable of being idiots and living life and like I said, I couldn't. I had to raise them.” Rey sighed again, “my grandfather was dying. Lung cancer. My mom went certifiably crazy, then she had her accident. My dad was an angry drunk when he was home and when he was traveling I had to take care of everyone, mother my mother…” Rey cringed at that one. “She didnt exactly want help but cried out for it. She knew what she was doing. She’d give just the right amount of sob story, pull me in to get me excited to bond with her, hope that I could fix her so we could have this bond she said she always wanted only to be knocked back down again. Many times I felt as though I was losing a war I could never win…”

Rey continued telling them about her injuries she’d acquired over the years and where the scars used to be. Clyde screamed on multiple accounts asking her if she avoided times during their lives together because of her parents.

“I cant be in the room with you while you cook in heavy oil. I dont think you’ll do it but I cant help but feel the way the oil flew out of the pan and burned holes into my back while she cursed me off about one of my many failures,” Rey flicked her eyes up to meet Ben’s adding, “It was why I was afraid to let Ren put hydrogen peroxide on my toe back then. She used that stuff like a weapon.”

Rey continued talking about excessive blow outs and other things that scarred her body, mind and spirit until she exhausted herself, leaving the men to decipher where they should go from there. 

“I’ma kill em,” Clyde promised.

“N-no, no! You have a family to think about,” Ben stopped the man in front of him, “and a wife to be there for.”

“Now listen ‘ere doc,” Clyde started…

“No you listen! She’s been through enough, don't you think?” 

Clyde nodded with a warning glance.

“What do ya say we change things? So what if she cant ever go back and make things right?” Ben asked knowing full well that the girl did make progress, but after hearing about her past, he isn't close to sure that he can believe they turned it around for the better. 

It would be nice to be as forgiving as Rey was, but it was just unheard of to him at least. 

“Whatreya gettin’ at?” Clyde pushed Ben along. 

“Have you ever heard the term, ‘found family’?”


	7. Being the Bridge

That night Ben had gone home to Kira who was battling it out again with dinner. This time she looked like she was about to lose it so he made his way over to her to take the strainer and help her manage draining water from her pasta.

“I thought you might need some comfort food after today,” Kira said, adding the fact that she’d seen his notes. “How’d she do?”

Ben nodded then said, “better than I thought she would.”

“Well, good then. It means it’s working.”

He couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face. He was doing something that was helping her, wasn’t he? 

“Kira?” Ben asked and she gave him her full attention. “Did you know Rey Kenobi? Like really know her?” 

“You could say that,” Kira smiles fondly at the girl’s name. 

“How did you two meet?” 

“School. I offered her a pencil on the first day of school and we were friends since. Good friends for a while until she cut me off,” Kira frowned at that. “She wouldn’t give me a reason for it but I suspected it was just her breaking down. Rey wouldn’t let anyone close and when I tried it was like she was living some double life to hide in.”

“Can you maybe explain that to me?” Ben asked.

“I can try, but I’m afraid it might be better coming from her.”

Ben thought that over. It would be but there was a good chance she didn’t want to get back into it. Not after what it did to her.l, or more specifically, what it did to them.

. . .

“You’re still here?” Rey mumbled through her dry mouth sore from her snoring, or at least she’s been told. 

Clyde nodded at her slightly, his eyes dropping just so communicating that he’d been awake that whole time too. 

“All yer snorin’ kept me up,” he teased her. 

Rey smiled her shy smile, the one she saved just for him, especially when they’d just met. He’d been standing beside her within their unit, challenging her at every hurdle. She could see that twinkle in his eye, the way the corner of his lips pulled to one side as if he’d been meaning to start her up all over again but it faded on the end of a sigh. 

“What?” Rey whispered softly.

Clyde gently shook his head, preferring not to get back into it. The man felt like he was drowning as it were already. Brining it up again would surely do them both in. 

No, he could deal with it. 

He could. 

But it made him wonder. 

“What’s the story with him n ya? Like, the real one?” Clyde chewed on his cheek wishing he could take that one back but seeing as it was out, maybe he would get the closure he needed too out of that whole thing. A thing he had no idea was even a thing. 

He always felt like army had a past same as he did and so long as it didn’t come up they were fine. Rey had the mind to stay in her present state of mind, doing her best in every moment, while he himself leaned more toward the mentality of, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’ and his girl, far as he knew, wasn’t broke.

As it turned out, she was and Clyde couldn’t help but feel obligated to her to make things right but that meant assessing Dr. Solo and her relationship. 

“I’ve never lied to you, Clyde. Ben was, well, he opened me up to the truth and I never thanked him for it. He made me see things that were there, made me believe in myself. He helped me unlock parts of myself I hadn’t let face the world in years, just by asking his questions. They were simple too, nothing fancy, but genuinely made me believe that I was someone worthwhile, even if we were just friends. I had that once and my parents were so afraid of me finding my voice, I had to set her free. I’d go to war with them over Ren and how wrong I thought they were for what they said, for what they did, and I was ready to allow it for the chance to hold onto the possibility of being a person I wasn’t ashamed of.”

Clyde shifted uncomfortably in his seat pulling her back to him. 

“If I didn’t have that, I’m not sure I would have left for the army. I could have still been there, dealing with them… hating myself, and never learning from it. I’m almost certain it’s why I held on to those memories. They were life changing for me.”

She listened to him sigh then ask if he gave her anything like that, anything she could hold onto for the rest of her life. 

“Oh, Clyde,” she sniffled, pulling him as close as she could, the barrier still created a forcefield between them but she got her point across. “You have given me life, don’t you see it? You’ve given me a strong and sturdy marriage, made me your one and only. You’ve provided for us and our family, Clyde. I never thought I’d be a mother, always so sure I’d die at the end of the day, I never thought I’d have a future. And I have one because of you. Our kids are a challenge but still fantastic… and no matter what we’re going through, you’ve always been by my side, promising me you’d get it right, even if I was at fault,” she smiled dreamily at him. “You, Clyde, give me all of that and so much more. You… you give me a voice. I’ve. Well, I’ve never had one before— not one that mattered, anyway… but what I’m trying to say is, you’re everything I’ve ever needed in a man… I just hope that I give you all I am and all I’ll ever be, just like you do for me.”

“I swear it, Rey, ya better get through this n come home, Darlin…” he paused, pressing his lips together before opening them again. “I don’t wantcha spendin another night longer than ya have to. Ya belong with me see. I’ve known it, I’ve known it all along. You n I, we’re fighters Rey. We’ll always be too, n ya never have to worry bout us, cause I’ll have yer back no matter what, ya hear?”

Rey swallowed her emotion still thick in her throat before promising him that she’d do all she could to get home to him and their family. 

“I’ll be all you’ll ever need,” she added and he chuckled promising she already was.

. . . 

“Just tell her dinner’s on Sunday and we’d like her to show up,” Kylo offered over his shoulder to which Ben flipped him off. “Whole family. Kids can play out back,” he added. 

“She’s not out of the hospital yet you moron,” Ben rolled his eyes at his brother. “Probably gonna be another few weeks just on surgeries alone,” his heart sank when he said that. 

While her burns and road rash needed some grafting, the boys had overheard the need for major back surgery due to the fall. It was a surprise, the nurse’s voice haunted him even then that she was able to move as much as she was able. It said a lot about her drive, her character that they had finally been able to meet fully and the grace that followed her even through the pain. 

“ _ Showing weakness meant they won. It’s what they wanted. A little girl ready to cry and submit to them, whatever they had planned. My mother would make up stories in her head about what she wanted to believe and would harp on me until I parroted it back to her which would give her the ability - affirmation she needed to swing away,” he remembered Rey say. _

Ben did all he could to stop the memory, to control it as if it was his only to hear Kylo continue.

“Cmon, it’s Rey. That girl  _ never _ gives up.”

“I dunno man, it’s going to be a long road,” Ben grumbled and grabbed his jacket before packing up. “See you at home?”

“Yeah, Ben. Yeah…”

. . . 

It’s been a few weeks since surgery and Clyde is feeling the weight of what happened all over again. He watches on while his wife practically growls at her physical therapist, his eyes trained carefully on the bandages that remain. 

“I know you’re staring,” she mumbled while she tried to wrap her toes around the pencil to move it across the white tape line once more. 

“M’not,” he denied it. 

“Dontcha dare lie to me, Clyde Logan,” she grinned when she used his full name.

“Er what?” 

“Yer gonna make me get on up and give ya something better to look at,” she answered making her therapist frown.

“Nuh, now, Mrs. Logan, Is really rather you didn’t push yourself to—“

Rey wasn’t one for listening, at least that’s what Clyde learned over the past few months of her recovery. One that he was sure he owed not only to her but Dr. Solo himself...Even if he didn’t quite believe what he came to do was strictly medical. 

“No… no, ya don’t!” 

Rey’s eye caught his as she made it up into a standing position, leaning heavily on her rolling table. 

“I’ve spent my whole life following other people’s commands, Clyde,” she said, dropping the pencil that was still caught under her toes. 

“It’s a bar in yer back, Rey!” Clyde’s voice never raised but held the same pushback. “I don’t doubt ya can. I just wanna know yer not sendin yerself back to surgery just to prove yer worth,” he clarified. “Bar er not, yer still the fierce woman I met all that time ago.”

Rey’s mouth opened then closed, weighing what he’d said… all his hidden meanings too and finally sat at the edge of her bed again. 

“Ya promise?”

“Yeah, Rey. There’s no one quite like ya.”

. . . 

Rey’s moved again. 

This time a few levels down on the therapy floor and Ben can’t help the immense pride he has with both himself and her at that moment. There she stands unassisted double g an assortment of exercises with her kids in tow. The older ones play with their phones, walking people through her routine despite how many times she shakes her head and puts on a smile.

She never did like being in the spotlight but funnily enough, she didn’t fight her kids about it. She was as much their light as they were hers and it showed.

A weighty concept captures his attention, wondering being that she was the bridge, the one to address and promote change… she was the one, he smiled sadly at the two words that entered his mind. 

The one…

That was for sure. 

His mind pushed on only deeper into the safety of his thoughts to ask if she had been treated well enough to see she wasn’t garbage and they did make it, would their kids have been just as wonderful with them? 

That was a dangerous thought. 

One he shouldn’t repeat.

One that had him turning bright red at the sight of Clyde. 

Ben did not need to sever what they’d been allowed so far. He remembered the way Clyde stormed about after she’d been so giving with her past, Ben did not need his anger directed at himself ever. 

Before he’s totally out of his thoughts Clyde shakes his hand, gathering his kids before excusing himself from the room. “Keep up the good work, doc,” Clyde said motioning to his kid’s gear. 

The two of them had soccer while the other would cuddle into his side until practice was over, which was good enough for Clyde. 

It was funny just how much they’d learned over their time together and how closed, yet open, Rey’s husband could truly be.

Ben smiled, shaking the man’s hand, then moved around to do just that. 

“Can’t we stay?” whined a twig of a preteen girl.

“Yeah, we're only halfway done with our video!” Their slightly younger son had followed up.

“Yer gonna miss yer game…”

“Practice…” they both chimed in. 

“It’s only a practice, Daddy. Can’t we stay with Mama?” 

“Mama?” Clyde tipped his head back in frustration for her to take charge of the situation and Ben had to smile. It seemed so natural.

“Dr. Solo? Mind if my kids take over?” Rey asked encouragingly, for them he imagined, but something in his gut told him not to engage. 

When they were younger she’s shield her eyes from him, looking away immediately to avoid being trapped in his hold he thought, but now that she felt safer with him… them, he’d noticed how she held his gaze. Her hazel spheres flecked with gold but in some divisions of shadow seemed to hint at a mix of green he couldn’t quite name. He’d seen it in times like these where she’d challenge him and he’d been grateful to see it - her change. 

In that moment Ben remembered himself, coughed once to clear his throat then asked, “ _ Is that what you want?”  _ with his eyes.

“ _ Of course that’s not what I want! Ben, come on, _ ” she spoke with her eyes clearly back to him.

It was surprising how clear she could be now, which made him gulp down his retort. 

_ Answer, answer… ANSWER! _ her eyes focused him on. 

And just like that the kids sensed their freedom, getting loose from their Daddy.

Oh...no...

Again Ben clears his throat but this time he as something to say. 

It’s not what he wanted, or clearly said but her kids picked right up on getting to adventure at another person’s house.

“ _ Are you for real?” _ Rey’s eyes widened.

“ _ What? _ ” Ben chuckled nervously. 

_ “I thought you knew what kids were like… you can’t just offer something you don’t mean…” _

“I just thought, since we already spend all this time together, that we were pretty much family is all. Found family...like the ones that are really close but friends, not related?” 

He did his best to explain to her children who popped up like prairie dogs waiting for the clarification to finally pop into their heads.

“What I’m saying is, my home is open to your family, because well, this being here for each other thing we do is what family does.”

“Ben,” Rey whispers, “you don’t have to do this…”

“But I want to, and I think it’s only right to start this thing over…” he sighed before using her own term, “to be the bridge so future generations don’t have to hold the same burden you held, Rey.”

Again she’s silent and he’s not sure if he crossed a line. Ben looked over to Clyde who also waits for an answer from his wife. 

“It’s just dinner. And the kids can play out back. It might be a little cold to go in the lake but they can play at the shore. Sunday dinner is usually spaghetti and meatballs, and Mom is usually there making sure we do it right… but it’s pasta, you can’t do it wrong…”

“Oh, ya can too,” Clyde replied. 

“Shh…”

“Dontcha shh me, darlin’,” he smirked at the way her mouth dropped open wide. “Ya darn well know how done terribly ya can screw up pasta.”

“Clyde Logan,” Rey warned.

“Rey Logan,” he challenged back playfully. “If ya don’t want me tellin’ yer story, you should go on gettin along tellin him then!”

Rey inhaled deeply, looked back at Ben and began her story. 

Life took on a new challenge that day. Staying open and not keeping secrets from them either was their most desperate plan to keep their family smiling and always moving forward. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, I really appreciate you checking out my work! It really does mean the world to me. That being said, I’ve been working on an original A/B/O fic that was just recently signed on Dreame.com, called The Omega Witch.
> 
> This is a fantasy adventure story where werewolves need to find the trinity within themselves and match up with their mates to be truly balanced. 
> 
> All designations have three beings within them. Their werewolf form is built up of their human form, wolf form, and designation, regardless of Alpha, Beta or Omega. All three of these have to work in harmony to be able to harness the true form of their werewolf which is how they can find their mates as goddess Selene had initially created.
> 
> Except, one werewolf changes this, creating a raging ripple effect, making it nearly impossible to find their mates, sending their kind into devastation that can only be undone by one of Selene’s daughters, but she doesn't know it yet.
> 
> As much as I want to turn it into a Reylo, it is exclusively signed to them and writing a remix may break the clauses of said contract sooooo, a rewrite might not be in the wings for this.
> 
> If you’re interested, it can be found here: https://m.dreame.com/novel/rjZzFeKO5VfOuMsXbKHDMQ==.html  
> It would be awesome if you could show your support and follow my page and story. I’d really appreciate it <3


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